[ti]quest[/ti]Nine Lives, Plus One

"The secret with distractions is to place them in civilian areas, that way the cops get slowed down! Do you see any 'NPCs' around?" Zac clung to the rusted railing of the building, his knuckles popping with tension as the gritty wind blew in his face. Just like the UPS, not wind, nor rain, nor blindness, nor lack of government funding would stop him hanging out with his niece.

"I've got a metal guy to help with that beacon thing," Buzzster said, grabbing a Pokeball and sending out Shuckle, whose non-metal limbs stuck and unstuck to the rooftop with pleasing pops. "And I brought my coat hanger," he said rummaging around in his bag. After a few failed grabs he gave up and manually emptied his inventory on the rooftop. "Is this it?" he asked, holding up his Feline Seal. A popup appeared, and he slapped it on reflex, applying the seal to his nearest Pokeball. His fuzzy, calico Nyuckle stuck the hanger with one cream tentacle and handed it to him.

"I've got more!" Buzzster said, grabbing for a second ball. Again, the result was not the steely Varoom that he was imagining, but instead a bright blue and highly squeezable Surskit. The bug skated off across the rooftop in search of a puddle.

"Now this Ultra Beacon you were talking about, how does it-" There was a swift and wicked SNICK as a blade as sharp as Zac's tongue sliced through the rooftop from below, instantly knocking out Shuckle. Buzzster saw nothing, he only heard the slow grind of shifting concrete slabs. "What happened?" he asked, a moment before his UI flashed white and a notification was spoken into his ears.

You have whited out! You will respawn at the nearest shrine.

There was a rush of air and concrete under his feet was replaced with the wet, crumbling rock and charged air of the Thunderfall Shrine.

"It looks like you're trying to fight an high level enemy! Would you like some help with that?" asked Quaxcee, appearing beside Zac.

"Rebel Wilson?" Buzzster asked, staggering and steadying himself against the Thunderfall Shrine. Static roared through his body and he withdrew his hand with a yelp.

"My name is Quaxcee, and my job is to assist beginner players in learning the ropes! If you'd like I would be happy to help you upgrade your HP and return to your previous location!"

"I'll have you know this beginner has been playing for months!" Buzzster said, not realizing the epic self-burn he was inflicting.

"Recent player survey data indicates that you are in the bottom 0.5% of all players in the NA server."

"That's bullshit. Now show me how to do the thing so I can get back to saving my niece."

Zac appeared in the office space an instant before Morgana blinked away, struck down in her villainous prime by Kartana's cruel yet fair blades. They were like two ships in the night, one returning from a long and fruitful voyage to the land of 'Upgradia' and the other some sort of AU Titanic where it sunk because the ship's electric cat was assassinated by a pair of sentient scissors.

"Morgana?" Zac called, his voice echoing off the concrete and abandoned desks.

"My name is Quacxee!" Quacxee said helpfully.

"Not now Quacky, I'm expecting a swift reply from my darling niece," Buzzster said, unaware that his niece wasn't just silent but not in the building. Buzzster bumbled around the office floor, grabbing onto desks and almost tripping over chairs. "They should really add visuals back into this game," Buzzster mused. "It's much harder to play since the update." He grinned, proud of his expert use of gamer lingo. "But hey, if you don't hit the gym every day then you wont be able to steal from the lockers of the meatheads who spend too long at the weight benches," Zac said, using the gym as a metaphor for his blindness, petty theft as a metaphor for the heightening of his remaining senses, and weight bench meatheads as a metaphor for the world at large, or perhaps the government.

"Oh there you are!" Buzzster said, crashing back towards her. By sheer chance Morgana had spawned in right next to a spreading cloud of noxious fumes, and the black vapor engulfed her without Zac even realizing. "I can spare another Pokemon, sure!" He sent out another Pokemon from his dwindling supply, and this time it was Varoom! The little engine zoomed around the office space at a tremendous speed, leaving oil stains on the carpet that Zac would have refused to see even if he had been fully envisioned.

"I've scaled a Walmart or two after dark," he answered. "Why do you ask? Are we about to do some Gerrymandering?" Buzzster wasn't confused about the definition of the word. His only experience with the process of strategically redrawing election borders was being 'hired' by a politics major to move some campus zoning flags so that homeless people living on the tennis courts could vote in the student body election.

"We've gotta go quick!" Buzzster agreed, now smelling the poisonous smoke. "With all this smoke it seems like this quest just got 'hard mode'."

He stumbled back the way he came, using his Vavroom like a guide dog to help him stay just ahead of danger. He dodged a pile of glass shards, a decayed section of floor, and even a fallen, shin-high filing cabinet.

And then they reached a gap in the wall. He felt the rush of wind and realized he would be climbing blind. He fumbled for another Pokemon and sent out Chikorita, who sat worriedly on his shoulder. "Take us up to the next floor!" Zac yelled, and vines exploded from the buds on her neck. Half of them wrapped around Zac's upper torso like a bright green harness and the rest attached to the exposed rebar frame of the floor above them.

Petal pulled at her vines and they tightened around Zac's chest, crushing the breath out of him and hauling him skyward like some sort of hung Tarzan.

Petal climbed on, hauling him upwards with vine whip after vine whip. It was like that weight training that strongmen do where they push a tire from a big truck end-over-end. Buzzster could feel the tensing of her body, and he marveled at the strength packed in the little green herb. "All the way to the top!" he wheezed, as the vines heaved him upwards.

They climbed past the smashed windows on the third floor. Buzzster's jacket and slacks scraped against the concrete and shards of glass, giving him a cool, street-magician look. There was a flash of color and a shout from just beneath him, and someone's hand just missed grabbing his ankle. "Nice try pig!" Buzzster shouted, before realizing that it was his darling niece who had narrowly missed the Ramsay express elevator to the fifth floor.

He kicked off a heavy loafer just in time, and the wad of colorful scarves inside cascaded downwards like a rope to clown heaven. "Grab on quick!" he shouted down at Morgana. Buzzster loved his trick shoes.