orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 14, 2022 20:25:14 GMT 9
February 11th, ten years ago.
So like, Doctor Ibrahim told me that writing down how I feel could help me understand and process those emotions or some shit, so like, here we fuckin are. I'm fucking mad, alright? Is that what he wants me to say? Of fucking course I'm mad, my moms been gone for three fucking years and nothing has been close to okay since. Dad still doesn't do shit around the house. He just sits there and drinks his beer and watches ESPN, half the shit they talk about is how he just fucking left the ring and never went back. But me? I don't get to do that shit. I didn't even get a month of laying around doing nothing, I got popped right back into school and I have to pretend everything is okay. Three fucking years of having to pretend it doesn't bother me that my family takes turns cooking dinner for me instead of my dad. Three fucking years of pretending like I don't here the FUCKS whispering about me behind my back. How sad it is that my mom dipped on us, or some bullshit rumors about her getting killed because my family is some fucking mafia or some shit. Like pretending that after three years I still wake up and hope that she's gonna come home.
Or send a christmas gift
Or fucking text me
some teardrops splotch the page.
Or write me a fucking letter or something I don't know. She's my fucking mom and I have no clue where she went, or what happened, or anything. If she had fucking died I'd have some fucking closure, but I don't even know. And everyone wants expects me to just be okay with it all and keep on living. Like my life hasn't just had some fucking bomb dropped on it and I'm not walking through some fucking nuclear fallout.
It fucking sucks, and it makes me mad as fuck. So suck my Dick DR Ibrahim, this shit is bullshit and I'm never writing in it again.
Every page of this journal is crammed to the brim with the same handwriting, it's safe to say he has written in this quite a bit.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 14, 2022 20:36:19 GMT 9
March 15th, ten years ago
Aight, this journal thing is not as cringe as I first thought. It's like uh...when you really gotta take a fat shit and you make it to the bowl and just tear that fucker up. It's like after three years of barely squeakin out a pebble I'm dropping fat fucking logs of like, emotional bullshit and getting it out of my fucking system. It's like...screaming after being told to shut up for too long. Anyways, enough about that I gotta talk about the twins, they're some new girls who're here as like...refugees I guess? The whole things sounds like, touchy as fuck so I'm not tryna pry into it. What I am trying to pry into is one of their pants cause GOD DAMN those girls are babes. Jesus H Fucking Christ they are just like...if you googled "Hot High School girl" not only would you get put on a watchlist, you'd find a picture of them. But they're like a whole nother league man, I'm some scraggly lil spitfuck and they're like... royalty.
I should start lifting weights or something man. Anything to bulk up and pick up chicks, at least maybe then I'd start winning some of these fights.
Anyways, I'm running out of space, so I guess I'll chronicle any more bullshit tomarrow.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 14, 2022 20:50:31 GMT 9
April 7th (Ten years ago)
Ayo, Jackpot baby. A month of weights and I'm starting to look fucking good. I mean, it helps that I've got good stock n shit, like Cayge clan goods n all that, but like yeah baby. I'm starting to get some muscles goin that I don't even know the name of yet, I had to google the difference between bicep and tricep again, and then I got confused when If found out your quadracrep was not in your arm, because it totally sounds like it should be with the whole bi tri quad shit, but anyways. Getting some fucking gains, and I got Brinda's number too, that's one of the new girls. Turns out her and her sis work at Uncle Joe's and like, he's my fucking uncle so I started working as a pizza dude so I could hand out with em and make some cash. Win fucking win eh? So not only am I gaining muscle mass, I'm making moolah AND getting closer to taking one of the twins out on a date.
Been processin shit a lot recently too, I tried asking Uncle Joe what he could tell me about the whole thing with mom and he won't say shit. Says it pops place to talk to me, not his. But like, Pop doesn't talk too much unless he's yellin at me for askin about mom. It's kinda fucked, the old coot just sits there all fucking day scratching his balls and drinkin beer like I'm not also hurting either. It's not like I didn't lose mom too, and it wasn't even my fucking fault! At least, I think at least. But why didn't she take me with her if she wanted me? Nah, Ibrahim says I shouldn't think like that. He says we're all worth love n all that shit, and that whatever was going through my moms head surely she had her reasons.
Tio Gio says that everything happens for a reason, that it's all part of the great beyonds plans to usher us to his destiny. I think he's been doing too much DMT, but he's my Tio and I gotta respect him so sure I guess. But everything happens for a reason, what is that reason.
Now knowing blows.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 14, 2022 21:15:13 GMT 9
May 4th Ten years ago.
Ayo, why the fuck does Star wars have it's own fucking day. Like, I get it I guess cause it's funny cause May the Forth sounds like May the Force but really? That warrants it being the fucking Star Wars day? What's fucking next, we start celebrating December the Ninth because you can make it sound like Remember Nine Eleven? I know that doesn't make any sense but like, fuck you Star Wars day. Days are for like real shit, like the Earth, Independence, and MLK (The Realest motherfucker ever). The mere notion of Star Wars days makes real days seem less real just by being in the same category.
Anyways, rants aside, I managed to take Brinda on a date. Shit was cash, Uncle Joe let me borrow his El Camino and I parked it backwards and we laid out a lil blanket in the trunk and say there and watched the Avengers together. Did you know she's super into Comic Books n shit? She fucking schooled me on all sorts of shit about the Hulk I'd never even heard of. That's fucking sick, I wanna take her to a place Eddie n I go, but that feels like betraying the bro code with Ed, so like...I dunno. The Date went well, I held her hand a little bit, I hope it wasn't too sweaty or anything, but thats all. I swear to god, I've never been so nervous in my life, does that shit go away? I sure hope so, I hate being scared like that, but the fucking like...butterflies in my stomach are crazy. I don't know how I feel about all this besides nervous, I hope we can go on a second date, that would be fucking sick.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 14, 2022 21:29:34 GMT 9
June 3rd, Ten Years ago
Ayo, today marks one month dating Rin now. I mean, aight so we had a date a month ago, and another one the week after, and well money is tight and we've been working so we've been on two dates and a THIRD coming on up! Things are coming up aces for your boi, I even managed to work up the courage to hold her hand while we were walking around in public! I opened all the doors for her, and like, pulled out chairs for her just like Uncle Joe told me to. He says that in modern society we're all equal, but like you still gotta be a gentleman for your lady. Anyways, we went out to a rollerskating place and then the strip mall and finally wrapped it up by getting some Za at Joes. It's weird eating somewhere we both work, but it's cheap and we both love the meat munchers special.
I still haven't kissed her yet, not cause I'm like scared or nothin, but like my breath smelled like Za when I was walking her up to the door and like...the moment was totally fucking there dude. But like, I had stinky pizza breath and I didn't want her to be like "Eww Rion has stinky pizza breath why the fuck would he try to kiss me what a fucking weirdo." and then dump my ass and leave me for fucking Tony Ablietti, that dude's an asshole.
Fuck you Tony.
Anyways, next date is the fucking date, mark my fucking words.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 14, 2022 21:41:18 GMT 9
June Tenth, Ten years ago.
Ayo what the actual fuck, kissing girls is the fucking coolest thing to ever happen to me. Rin and I went out to like, have a picnic in the desert and watch the stars cause there was supposed to be a meteor shower we could watch. Of fucking course this would be like, the first time in ages there are fucking clouds in the sky in like three months. Fucking shit, totally would have ruined the night, but instead of being distracted by the stars we just spent the whole FUCKING night making out. Bruh, kissing with like, tongue action was so weird at first but then I got used to it and I was all about it. I even got to touch her boobs man, it was all like, over the shirt but still! That's like second base dude! I can't believe it, I cannot imagine a better night ever happening ever. I have peaked, there is nowhere to go but down from here man.
I think I love her man, is it too soon to tell? Maybe it's just my dick talking rn, I'll need to science some shit out, form a hypothesis n shit, experiment, draw some graphs n shit, touch her boobs some more, you know, the fucking usual. Anyways, this one is short because I gotta get to bed, I'm going out to breakfast with Tio Gio and he wants to give me some sort of talk, no clue what its about but you never know with that fucking guy.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 15, 2022 12:48:20 GMT 9
June Eleventh, Ten Years ago.
Why the fuck is my family so fucking weird. You go on one date with a girl out to the desert and suddenly you have like, ten 24 packs of condoms and a million awkward conversations. Yes I know where babies fucking come from, yes I know that Im not old enough to be a day, and no I am not experimenting with butt stuff! Jesus Christ! Now I can't even bring myself to fucking snap Rin without feeling awkward about the fact that my tongue was in her mouth, talk about fucking awkward.
In other news, Uncle Joey says he'll sell me the Camino for a cheap price since I'm always borrowin it. It'll be pretty sick having my own set of wheels and not having to pester Eddie for a ride to school or work. He says it needs a lil love and TLC, whatever that means, but I'm sure that thing is gonna make the back half of highschool legendary!
This summer is gonna be sick, I just know it!
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 15, 2022 13:43:52 GMT 9
June 27th, ten years ago.
Bro.
Some dude at work, okay, not just some dude at work, but fucking Tony Ablietti, grabbed Rin's ass. She was walking by trying to drop off some Za to a big group and he just reached out and gave her left check a fucking honk like he owned it. Needless to say, the moment I heard that shit I was out of the kitchen and smashing his teeth in within seconds. I've never been so mad in my fucking life, my brain stopped working, my heart starting pounding, and next thing I know Uncle Joe is hauling me off the kid and his face is a mess. I mean, I know I'm gettin stronger n shit, but like...
Goddamn.
Needless to say I'm in a heap of fuckin trouble with all sorts of shit. Uncle Joe is pissed I made a scene at work, says he has a rep to uphold and cant have his pizza bros beating the shit out of paying customers, harassment or not. Gramps is pissed because he's throwing money at the cops to keep em from filing any charges and getting me into any trouble. Rin is pissed because she says I "Have too much of a hair trigger temper" Like excuse me? He touched my fucking girlfriend, he's lucky he can still use that fucking hand. Nobody touches my fucking family. I'm like, mega fucking grounded, on probation from work for a while, AND Rin wants to "Take a break" Whatever the fuck that means.
Fuck me dude, this summer is gonna blow.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 15, 2022 13:58:48 GMT 9
July 4th, ten years ago.
So Rin still isn't talking to me, or well, we've been talking but she's still mad at me? More like we're fighting still, which sucks because I was being chivalrous n shit and being her knight in shining armor and kicking Tony's pervy ass, but she says she doesn't need that. She says she's worried bout how I'm always fighting, it doesn't matter if I'm stopping Eddie from getting jumped or slamming the shit out of Bullies trying to stuff poor band kids into their lockers. I'm fighting for like, truth, justice, and the American way. She say's I have anger issues and I'm looking for excuses to fight.
That's bullshit.
I don't have any fucking anger issues, I have no issue getting angry at all.
The fam had a big fight over whether or not I should be allowed to attend the annual Southside Crew Freedom Fest, and for a while it looked like I was gonna miss out on the biggest fucking night of the summer, but Gramps stepped in and argued that this sort of thing is exactly why the Freedom Fest existed for in the first place and like that everyone fell in line. Just like that my summer is saved, but at a cost of helping uncle Joey and Tio Gio run the grills in the morning. A small price to pay for a sick ass day all in all.
I ended up shooting off some fireworks with Eddie and all of the other cousins and primos, and honestly it was a fucking great time. If only every day could be like this, and if only I could mend things with Rin, I might be able to save this fuckin summer.
Maybe.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 16, 2022 22:14:29 GMT 9
July 18th, ten years ago
Aight, so it's been two weeks since the fourth and things are looking brighter. My house is no longer Gitmo, the family has released the vice grip on my balls and my sentence. Mostly due to good behavior mind you, I've been a little cherub minding my mouth and my manners. I help set the table for dinner, I wash the dishes, I take out the trash. Joey gave me my job back, well, not exactly because Im not on the ovens anymore, but hey I have money! Instead I sit at the front and eyeball people who might be up to no good. This mostly means keeping an eye out for Yanks and Devils and making sure nobody is packing heat. Kinda a fucked up job to give a kid, but Uncle says since I have such a penchant for assbeating I might as well put it to good use, not that I've needed to.
Rin is talking to me now, we're not "Together" again, but we can at least chat. Which is good, as nice as smooching her might be I was really worried I'd lost my friend for a bit there. We're talking about going and seeing a movie together sometime soon, when my grounding is officially lifted and everything is free and clear. Not sure if it's a date, but fuck it we'll ball.
Dr Ibrahim says that I've been doing better about opening up and talking about my feelings, and how it's healthy and all, but if that's true what's going on with my dad? This whole journaling thing has helped me so much, maybe if he did it he would start feeling better too? Maybe I'll try talking to him about it.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 16, 2022 22:33:39 GMT 9
July 31st, Ten years ago
This just in, my dad does NOT want to talk about it. He doesn't want to journal about it, he doesn't want to think about it, and least of all does he want me bugging him about it. I've been staying at Uncle Mac's for a bit because god fucking damn, the man went from zero to ten fucking thousand real quick, that asshole can put holes in drywall faster than a fucking nail gun I'll tell you what. There's a lot of talk with the fam about having dad go to a psych ward, something about violence problems and PTSD, but a lot of the gang feels like that's kinda like giving up on him and I'm not sure about how to feel. Everybody talks about the shit the gang has been through, but nobody ever tells me about what it was they went through. They keep saying that my job is to be less worried on their past and be more worried about my future, but like...what?
How the fuck can I be worried about my future when my dad's fucked up and nobody will tell me why?
Speaking of future, I guess it's looking bright? I've officially put a coma in my bank account for the first time, though that's all in savings for the El Camino Uncle Joey is gonna sell me. I get to use it to take Rin out to the drive in tomorrow, which is also fucking sick. I'm still not sure if it's a date or not, but like, maybe I'll find out. I hope everything turns out alright, with Rin, with the car, and with my dad.
Not sure what I'd do if I lost another parent...
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 17, 2022 17:20:51 GMT 9
August 2nd, ten years ago.
Well, two uncertainties in my life are now certain. Rin and I are back together on the real, spent the whole movie holding hands and smoochin, I don't even remember what the fuck we went to see, I was too busy looking at her the whole time. It's kinda crazy how you take things for granted until they're gone. We had a whole talk, and she says she can see the anger within me, which I don't really know what that means, and she wishes that I would put it into more "Constructive" uses rather than destructive. I told her that I felt pretty justified in thinking that protecting the people I love was pretty constructive.
And then it dawned on both of us that I'd indirectly told her I loved her.
So that was uh, weird, but in a good way? She told me that she loved me too, but when she looked at me when I was kicking the shit out of Tony it scared her. It was like I was a different guy, not the same sweetheart that she cared for.
I'm scared that he's the real me that I keep chained up for a rainy day.
That being said, I am back comfortably at second base, and with more data under my belt I can officially say that it's kinda kickass. Boobs are awesome, smoochin is awesome, Rin is awesome. I'm the luckiest man alive.
Unfortunately, it seems like my time with Uncle Mac will be on a more...permanent note for the near future. The Southside crew convened and decided that Dad wasn't going to a psych ward, but they were gonna send him to some special retreat for people with trauma, get him the help he needed. I got to give him a hug before he left, he was all tears and it made me wanna cry but I wasn't about to cry like a lil bitch in front of the whole crew. He told me he loved me, and that he was sorry for being a bad pa, and I told him he wasn't a bad dad he was just going through some shit. I told him to focus on getting better and that I would too, and when he came back I would blow him away with how fucking cool I was. For the first time in three years I heard him chuckle.
I think despite everything going on, things are going to be alright.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 17, 2022 17:37:39 GMT 9
September 2nd, Ten years ago.
It's officially been one month sans my dad, and things are weird. Uncle Mac and my aunt are uh...taking a break it would seem. Apparently Mac is gay, which in hindsight seems obvious but like, the man had a wife and three kids so like apparently he was pretty deep in the closet. They're still living together and raising their kids together, but they're not like, together. Fucking crazy if you think about it, like he's not even into chicks but he's gonna hang around and take care of his ex wife and kids and make sure his family is allright.
More than I can say about my mom at least.
That being said, things are midly tense around my current digs which makes things hella awkward at dinner. Still, Mac has been a rock for me and I'm not gonna turn my back on him. Sometimes I...get a little worked up about missing my Ma or Pa and I might tear up or somethin, but that man can fucking sense that shit. The moment a single drop of moisture forms on my face that man is there to give me soothing wisdom. We walk the streets of Southside some nights and he tells me stories about how things were when he was younger. Apparently he's known my dad and Uncle Joey since they were like, fucking tikes or something. Been there for every fight, every feast, every falling out, everything.
He says I can't hate my mom for what she did, joining our family was more than she could chew apparently, and didn't know she was in too deep till she was drowning.
I asked him what that meant, but he says its a story for when I'm older. I told him that I'm getting plenty old, he said that it was for when I was a man. I told him I was plenty man enough, and he just laughed at me! He sure knows how to turn my mopeyness into another emotion, that's for sure.
I got into another fight at school, some dude was picking on my cousin Mac, said his dad was a...word I won't use again here. I've never socked someone in their mouth faster, and then his fucking friends got involved and next thing I know I'm standing over four fucked up homophobes and the only injury I've got are bruised knuckles. The school was...understanding it would seem, though I suspect that's gramp's money talking again. Strangely enough, Rin isn't mad about it either, she said that me defending my cousin and my uncle was "Crazy hot"
I cannot understand that woman sometimes.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 17, 2022 17:58:18 GMT 9
September 12th, ten years ago.
Aight, so I know they say to never forget 9/11, but god damn will I never forget 9/11. So, bullshit day at school, memorial service thingy, all that jazz, we get let off early so I can't really bitch too much about it. Anyways, Eddie n I are up to no good like we tend to be, Lil Mac is with us too since he's basically my brother at the moment, and we're fucking vibing when Eddie's boy Ramon rolls up and says he has something fucking crazy and we gotta check it out. So here were are, four unsupervised motherfuckers going back to Ramon's place, which is just a trailer out on the edge of the fucking edge, and this motherfucker pulls out a fucking gallon sized baggie of pot.
Now mind you, I've never ever smoke pot before, but apparently Ramon's older brother Javier has a hella hookup and gets this shit on the mad cheap from some dudes down south who have a whole fucking weed plantation or some shit. So being four fifteen year old young men, we blazed up and let me tell you.
GOD FUCKING DAMN
I have never felt all of the tension just leave my body before, hell I've never felt all the tension leave my head like that either. Then I got hungry as a motherfucker, and we order some pizza from Uncle Joey's and tipped the driver with a fucking blunt and ate like fucking kings. I cannot fathom why people go to jail for this shit, real talk. I fucking love pot.
|
|
|
orioncayge
•
Bandana Guy
Round 2
Posts: 770
Trainer Class:
Arena Points: 20
|
Post by orioncayge on Nov 17, 2022 18:44:44 GMT 9
September 27th, Ten years ago
I got a letter from my Pa today. Been almost two months, but he said he's been working through some shit. They got him doing all sorts of "Fruity" shit as he says, which I don't know how that sits with me, but his words are his words. He says they have him meditating every day, doing things like breathing exercises and dieting and eating right. They say the key to a healthy mind is a healthy body and all that, and if it works for him it works for him I guess. He says his misses me and the fam, and he's sorry that it took something as nuclear as going away to sort himself out, but sometimes you need to hit rock bottom in order to start climbing back up. He says there's so much he wants to tell me, but a letter isn't the place to do it, and when he gets home we're going to have a long talk about a lot of things. I don't really know what he's on about, and honestly it sounds kinda scary, but I trust my pa.
I ask Uncle Mac about my dad a lot, I don't remember a lot from when I was younger, even now my memories of ma are getting a lil hazy and some of the details are lost, so he helps me remember. The man apparently compulsively records family videos, so he has shit from when I was a baby waddling around on christmas day, my mom and dad sitting on the couch big ole smiles on their faces. I can't remember the last time I saw my dad smile.
Mac says that the deeper the grief we feel for someone when they're gone, the greater the love we had for them, and to grieve deeply is the final step of truly loving someone. I don't quite understand that, but he says that hopefully one day I will. I ask if that means that dad really loved mom, and Mac said yes, more than I could imagine. He says my dad has always been a fighter, someone ready to jump into the fray at any point, but never without reason. Paris Cayge always threw hands for something worth fighting for, and when he met my mom she became the one thing he would always fight for, and then I was born and that fire doubled. When my mom left, it was like a waterfall had been dumped on the fire and it left my dad a smoldering mess, all of his passion and drive was sucked from him.
I asked him if I would find something worth fighting for one day and he simply chuckled and told me. "If you open your heart to the world, you find every reason to keep fighting for it."
I don't quite get it, but I'm trying to make sure I understand, it sounds important.
|
|
|