Totally not Orion's Diary (It has bars damnit)

TW: A young man recollects one of his first sexual experiences in vague detail.  Reader discretion is advised.  

September 27th, 10 years ago.

Aight, so like, I don't know how to go about writing this, but Dr Ibrahim says I should write any of these big moments down.  Rin and I've been dating a while, and really the farthest we've ever gone has been like, second base.  Maybe some above the clothes grinding, you know, kiddie shit.  Today I things went further and on one hand it's super awesome, and another I feel uh...weird.

So we're at her place, at this point her aunt and uncle know me and they let us hang out cause they think I'm a good kid, which I am and appreciate that somebody acknowledges that I am not a hoodlum.  So they put a lot of trust in me, and thus we're allowed to hang out in her room and the door doesn't have to be left three inches adjar (LOOKING AT YOU BIG MAC) and this we get like, a lot of privacy we don't normally get unless we're in the back of my camino and honestly if you've ever tried to get up to antics in the back of a camino you would know that it's not a great place for antics.

I digress.

So anyways, Imma keep it real with you, I'm totally down with boobs n tongue and that's great.  I was perfectly happy with where things were, but then Rin decides to take some imitative the other night and my shirt comes off for the first time with her, and while I've spent the last couple months trying to get big I haven't quite hit my body goals yet so I was a little nervous about it so to make me feel better she takes her shirt off and god damn lemme tell you her boobs look better then there isn't anything obscuring your view.  So then things starting getting a little hotter and heavier than I'm used to, which ayo like shit's lit but also like...somethings off and I can't put my finger on it till she's unbuckling my belt and suddenly I realize that I am in a moment I was not expecting to come across tonight.  Like, all of the condoms my family gave me are at home and I am freaking out because I can TELL in her eyes that she's ready and I am not and how the fuck am I supposed to communicate that to her?  So I'm stiff as a sheet in more ways than one as she's basically storming the trenches ready to make me a man and she looks up and we lock eyes and I could tell in that moment that she realized that I wasn't ready and like...I watched her deflate a little.

I didn't know what to tell her either, because it's not like I don't love her or nothing, cause she means more than the world to me I just...like wow I never thought that my girl would be flinging herself at me ready to...you know, and here I am getting cold feet.  What's wrong with me?  Am I not man enough?  This is like, the thing I wanted when I first met Rin and here I am pussying out.  

So ended up kissing her and holding her super tight and telling her how much I loved her, and how much she meant to me, and that I wanted her I just...she kinda sprung everything on me real fucking quick and how I wanted to take things slower.  Next thing I know she's kissing me back and we're not like...in the hot and heavy but it's different, like...like she can feel where I'm at and I can feel where she's at. 

Like, I know my dick isn't out but is this why they call it making love?  

Things didn't go much farther from there, but I don't think they needed to really.  Still not sure what the fuck happened, and honestly I'm not even sure this is something I can talk to the boys about, or even Big Mac or Uncle Joey for that matter.