[ti]private[/ti]ignite your bones

He thought that he'd heard manish calling out for him at some point. But he also knew that this place was absolutely full of tricks and Pokemon that wanted to lure you into the dark. Just like one of those fairy tales that actually scared the shit out of people. He knew vague amounts enough about things that happened when someone got lost in a dark wood in those stories. They never came back. And he had too many things eating him up inside to go and chase some sort of fairy creature to his death.

But one appeared anyways.

Out of the woods and covered in mushrooms and even that damned crown came Manish. He heard him of course. As quiet as he tried to be there was a distinctness in Manish's footsteps because of it. The way he walked like he was trying to float. But on a forest ground that just meant you kicked up leaves a little bit different. And stepped on a stick in a different way. There was definitely something wrong with Amanita. 

And of course he turned to him. Stacking the last stone on his little pile to try and make it look organized. He wasn't sure he'd stacked enough of them but then again he didn't think that the Glaceon even cared. It just sat there. Staring at the two of them with eyes open and unblinking. He realized then that he wasn't sure if he'd ever seen the Glaceon blink since it was put in this state. But he also didn't want to think about that. It creeped him out. 

"I wasn't even thinking." Knowing that Manish wouldn't touch him on his own he simply leaned into the hands that were there. He wasn't going to be fussy. He wasn't going to complain if Manish took his hands away because he thought this was rude. "I thought it was like, just sacrificing the tall grass HP they give us." And then he'd seen the selection option and panicked then as well. But Manish had been through the same thing and that was... comforting. There weren't a lot of life experiences the could share given the fact that they'd grown up very differently. Even if that life experience was in a video game. 

And all he could think was that Manish deserved a better friend than him. 

"You're the first person whose cared to check on me for anything Manish." His parent's hadn't cared. His old friends hadn't cared. And God he felt terrible. "Can you see him? Chaga?" The Glaceon stared still, now sitting next to the stack of stones as mist warped around and through him. Just another ghost.

Amanita knew that manish would do his damnedest to make him try and feel better. One way or another. And normally just having him chatter away like this would give him something to focus on. But the chatter didn't continue the same way it usually did. With Manish saying something silly or self-depreciating to the point where Amanita would come in and give him an alternative thing to think about. Distracting Manish from how poorly he felt about himself had become something of a distraction for Amanita as well. But the sudden movement and change in direction caused him to finally look up from Chaga and the pile of rocks he had built.

"I-" The feeling of the hand on the back of his neck, of course, felt real. And sent small tingles down his spine. It had been a long time since anyone had actually offered him any sort of comfort that wasn't immediately asking to go to a back room or a back seat. He never thought that he'd have Manish initiating any sort of contact and knew that he had to be throwing himself a fit inside of his head. "You can do anything you set your mind to Manish." He said it quietly, not wanting the other man to lose his steam for whatever he was doing. But the need to reassure him was always lingering on his tongue.

He leaned into the touch on the back of his neck, enjoying it despite the guilt that piled up inside of him. He wanted to just let everything out now. To tell Manish everything. To ruin everything he'd built on this fucking lie. The only reason they had even met was because he'd been desperate and hungry enough to break into the house. If he'd told Manish the truth on day one? What would have happened? Would he have called the cops or just... let him stay anyways? With how good of a person Manish was... Amanita knew the answer to that question. But for now he focused on the fact that Manish had blue eyes in game.

Which meant he had blue eyes out of game. He'd of course seen Manish's eyes before. But never for this long. Never this well. They were always looking in any direction other than at him. He was special to Manish. But was that because he was just there all of the time? Because he thought that he was finally some hired help that was available to him and would talk to him? If there were other people around that acknowledged him would Manish even notice Amanita outside of the game? These were all stupid questions. Because if he hadn't broken into the house they never would have met. Even if Manish did go outside.

"I want... you to be more selfish Manish. You don't have to ask to hug me, in or out of the game." His voice cracked a little bit as he said it. Knowing very well that soon this was going to come crashing down. And all of the good and progress that Manish had done might be ruined because of it. Everything that he'd gained... The confidence and bravery to tell people no was something that Amanita didn't want him to lose because of him. A slightly shaking hand raised and he pressed it gently to Manish's cheek. "And by that I mean of course you can hug me." Knowing that if he wasn't direct with the answer that Manish would flounder once again.

"You are so brave. And so much smarter than you think. And..." His voice cracked a little bit again, "So important to me. And don't ever forget that." No matter what happens. But he couldn't bring himself to say the last part. Because he knew it would send the both of them into a spiral. "I need your help Manish. So please, help me." With Seta, with Chaga, with everything. He needed Manish to help him. And it hurt. Because it felt like using him.

When manish pulled him closer, Amanita let himself curl inwards towards him. His head resting on his shoulder, where the neck met the rest of his body and closed his eyes. Letting himself feel small for the first time in what seemed like forever. He'd always tried to make himself seem bigger than he was. Better than he was. Stronger. Smarter. Anything to make himself seem like more of a threat than anything that was coming towards him. But for now he just wanted to feel smaller. He wrapped his arms around Manish and just relaxed. Despite feeling like he didn't deserve it he wanted to enjoy this small bit of closeness without thinking of the guilt that crept up inside of him. 

They could both be selfish right now.

"Do you ever... Think about leaving?" He meant the house. The big house where all of his needs were met and Manish didn't have to worry about a thing. The place where his entire life was. He knew that the answer was probably no. But he also couldn't un-ask the question now. It was out there. And he wanted to know if maybe. Just maybe. There was some sort of ideal world where the two of them would be able to exist outside of the lie that he had made up. "That's another question you don't have to answer, if you don't want." Because Manish never had to answer anything to Amanita that he didn't want to say.

His hands clung to Manish's clothes a little bit tighter. With the other man saying it was just fine to stay like this for awhile. "We can go to Seta... eventually. It's something I'll have to face eventually." Everyone did if they wanted their Pokemon back. And he did want Chaga back. He didn't need more ghosts haunting him. "I like..." You. "Being here like this with you." He stopped himself. He didn't deserve to say something like that when he was nothing but a disgusting liar.

He knew from the way that manish clung to him that he was terrified. He never left the mansion and UNOVR was the only place he could truly stretch himself further. Could feel like he could be free. UNOVR was a safe place for Manish to have some sort of a life. And he felt terrible that he was ruining that for him. Just by existing. He traced circles into Manish's back to try and help him calm down some. To bring him back to a safer space. After all, thinking about leaving was scary.

Amanita knew that there wasn't anything out there for them. But he didn't want Manish to live his whole life behind the walls of the mansion. He didn't want him to be afraid of everything and everyone who happened to pass by just a little too loudly. Of cars that honked so far down the road they might as well not even exist. He wanted Manish to live as happily as he possibly could. 

He spoke before he could stop himself really.

"Not without you."

And he knew he would probably regret saying that. Not because he didn't mean it. But because it was too close to the surface of being a confession. Too close to being his real feelings that he desperately punched into oblivion every time they tried to rise to the surface. He couldn't stand it like this. But at the same time the truth just wouldn't come. He was a coward through and through really.

But Manish was warm. And they were holding each other for now. So maybe that just had to be enough? Until he could stop being a coward. Until he could tell him the truth.

If only manish knew. Amanita wasn't making any money off of him. He wasn't being paid. He survived directly off of taking care of Manish but not in the way that the other man thought. He ate when Manish ate because he knew that was a safe time to eat. He showered after Manish did because he didn't want it to seem weird that he showered at any other time of the day. He wore the clothes that Manish had prepared for him because he didn't have anything else that he possibly could wear. After all, he'd broken into the house with nothing but the clothes on his back. If you could call crawling through an open window breaking in.

All of the good things that Manish thought about him were a lie. Well. Not all of them. He didn't think that the other man was a burden or that he was a lot of trouble. He  was just... traumatized. And neglected. And if he was being completely honest? Amanita kind of wanted to punch his dad in the face. But that would require the two of them to be in the room together and he couldn't do that for a lot of reasons. One, because he would get fired and two because if he went to jail over hitting him he would end up not being able to take care of Manish. 

"You have so much faith in me." He chuckles a little bit. "But the outside world was hard for me too." It was why he had been so desperate before. Willing to do anything to get a little bit of help. A little bit of a leg up. He'd never had life as well as he'd had it here. And it was all because he was a terrible fucking person. It felt so good, to be comforted like this. A hand through his hair was something that he hadn't had in a very long time. At least not gently like this. But he didn't want to think about his ex right now. But he didn't deserve this much comfort. But he was going to just let himself have it perhaps.

"I will never leave you, until you tell me yourself you want me gone. No matter what happens." And he meant it. Firmly. He knew it was likely that Manish would tell him to leave after the truth came out. But he would make him that promise at least. He pulled away from Manish slightly and took his free hand, placing a small kiss on the top of it, much like a servant would do for a lord with pledging his allegiance.

If he hadn't seen the smile on manish's face before he hid it, Amanita would have assumed he screwed up in the worst kind of way when he'd been bold and kissed the top of his hand. But thinking on it, Manish hadn't gotten normal amounts of affection in his life. Much less... Something like that. For a moment he let himself wonder if Manish had ever even been kissed for real before. But he pushed that thought away. Under different circumstances he would push and tease. But he wanted the other man to feel happy right now. To feel good. For a moment he wondered if telling him the truth was worth ruining that happiness.

But he didn't want to keep being a liar. 

He was going to do this right.

He let Manish gather his words and his nerves for a moment, leaning into the touch on his cheeks and the warmth on his forehead. Part of him, deep underneath the guilt and worry, believed that Manish wouldn't want him to leave. Even after he learned the truth. But he wasn't going to listen to that part. He wouldn't acknowledge that part. Because that meant he would be hoping and he didn't deserve to have that hope. But he wanted it so badly. "After I finish my Seta trial... We should talk. Outside." Not in the game. Not in UNOVR. But in real life. It would be the only place they could do this properly. He could explain everything to Manish.

He could tell him everything about how he had broken in. About how he hadn't meant to cause any trouble with it. About how he wasn't trying to hurt anyone. How he wasn't trying to hurt Manish. But he needed to finish the trial first. After Manish kicked him out he probably wouldn't be able to play anymore. And he wasn't going to leave Chaga a ghost for the rest of the game.