Buzzster Hooperham
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The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 10:21:23 GMT 9
Zac could smell free food like a shark could smell blood in the water. He loitered by the table, palming full hot dogs into his pocket as he chatting with an increasingly-frustrated high ranking player called Slycer1.
"So do you use Sweepers?" asked Slycer1, trying to make polite small-talk.
"Nah. Between you and me I usually leave before anyone busts out cleaning equipment."
"That's funny," Slycer1 said, not laughing, "what about Tank then?"
"I didn't get dishonorably discharged just to willingly hop back in a military vehicle!" Zac joked, as he picked up a paper plate and started to load it with biscuits and burgers.
"So you're Support then," Slycer1 stated. Over the past few minutes his body language had shifted from polite to clearly annoyed. His arms were crossed, his foot was tapping, and he was about ten seconds from drawing his weapons and sending Zac a PvP request.
"Listen. If you wanna put a label on it then sure!" Zac said, giving Slycer1 a big smile. "I'm a support! But really the only one who does any supporting around here is my Chikorita Petal."
Slycer1 visible relaxed, finally sensing an opening to discuss the game. The tension in the air dropped palpably. "What were your max heals in Thunderfall?" he asked, as if this were a normal question. "I respecced all my trees before the raid and switched out of tank so that I could max out Sweeper and Support. With some lucky Catty heals I was doing like 450. It was pretty good," he bragged.
"Oh I wasn't in Thunderfall," Zac replied.
Slycer1 nodded. This made sense. Buzzster had the aura of a n00b. Someone who didn't have much game experience. Hell, he'd probably just picked up the game recently and-
Slycer1's eyes flicked to Zac's title. Quizmaster. That was a legacy title from the Back To School event. An event that Slycer1 had missed because he hadn't been playing the game yet.
Frantic, he opened his UI and inspected the player. He'd registered in June...2022. A full year and change before Thunderfall. Before Precipice Crown. Before even Noonlight! Hell, he'd almost signed up in time to be in the Beta Raid!
Anger suffused Slycer1. "What the hell! You're a veteran!"
"Again, dishonorably discharged."
"Why weren't you in Thunderfall?"
"I was looking for my niece."
Slycer1 closed his mouth. Opened it. Closed it again. Growled. And punched the table. "You've been playing for years!"
"Yeah! Almost got the hang of things too! I did my first upgrade last week! Crazy stuff." Buzzster took a sip of orange soda.
Slycer1 inspected Zac again. He wasn't lying. He had T5 in Gardener and, inexplicably, T3 in level moves for each tree and nothing else. "What the hell kind of build..." and then he saw it. The straw that broke the camels back.
Zac had a single Pokemon equipped in a tree. It was his Chikorita. And she was equipped in Tank.
"You know what? Fuck you. Stop wasting my time," Slycer1 snarled, and he stalked off into the party. {CPR} Learn Another's Combat Capabilities Listen to Another's Advice
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Buzzster Hooperham
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The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 9:47:43 GMT 9
Kartana batted Shroomish away and advanced on Zac. gleaming blade arms held wide.
Now defenseless, Buzzster backed up, hands held open-palmed towards Kartana in defensive post. "Now listen," he said, stepping over chunks of metal and spilled nails. "We've had some good times together, haven't we?"
Zac tried to pull up the memories of his times with Kartana. There were exactly two instances they had interacted: the blink-and-you'll-miss-it instant where he accidentally caught the Ultra Beast in Ostellia, and this moment in the barn. He frowned. "Well, I guess not. That's my mistake, I must have been thinking of another guy."
Zartana advanced faster.
"But wait!" he said, putting on his most winning smile. "That just means there's more chance for us to grow close! Maybe even to develop a bond powerful enough to conquer this upcoming Poke-lympics!"
Zac backed up further, reaching into his pocket before Kartana could violently refuse his offer of friendship. "Listen, I know we're had our share of quarrels," Buzzster tried to think of specific moments, and his mind provided the exact same two situations. "Like right now! But honestly, I have something that I think will change your mind."
Zac pulled out his wallet. "See this?" He chuckled. "Let's just say this baby is full of all kinds of special little treats for my friends. Including my old pal Alexander." He gave Kartana a wink, before tripping on spilled paint and tossing his wallet halfway across the barn. "Ahh!" he yelled, though by some extraordinary stroke of luck his wallet had caught Kartana's attention.
The Ultra Beast flew across the barn and inspected the fallen wallet.
"PETAL! NOW!" Buzzster yelled.
Petal bit through the last strands of rope that held the barrel up in the rafters. The rope snapped, and the massive barrel of dry cow feed plummeted to the ground with gravitational force. It smacked Kartana out of the air before hitting the ground in an explosive shower of grain and wooden chunks.
Zac laughed, coughed as the air filled with barley dust, and then laughed again. Buzzster nodded slowly as he looked at the barn floor now covered in paint, broken farm equipment, nails, and now a slowly collapsing pile of homicidal grain. "Well Petal, it's about time we hit the road."
"What! But what about Kartana! You should return it! And I thought you bonded with the Shroomish!"
"Oh! Well, sure. I guess we could take him along." Buzzster returned his bladed frenemy and caught the frowning Shroomish. "Nice! You know where we've gotta go now?" he asked Petal.
She looked at his sliced and battered body. "To the...to the Poke Center?"
"For what?"
"...healing?"
Zac tossed the idea around in his head like a Shroomish. "You know what Petal? You're right. Let's go get some healing." He picked up Petal, put her on his shoulder, and the pair immediately got lost in the deep woods.
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 5:03:23 GMT 9
Kartana darted forward, and Zac met the Ultra Beast with a brutal Shroomish-parry.
KLANG! SHING! KLA-KLANG!
The air rang with the sound of shroom on steel, and sparks flew, catching in the damp hay. Completely by accident Zac stamped them out. "Hiya! Back you bastard!" Zac called.
Kartana darted forward, briefly breaking his guard and slashing along the length of his non-dominant arm. "Ah! Not me leisure arm!" Buzzster called, as dramatic pixels trickled down his forearm.
With Kartana now past him and backlit by the barn window, Buzzster broke off the fight and made a run for it further into the barn. From the second floor there was only one swift way down to the ground floor: gravity.
Zac spotted a tethered rope leading from a steel anvil on the floor up to a massive barrel suspended in the rafters. He leaped for the rope, caught it in one hand, and slid down the length of it to land on the floor below.
"HahA!" Zac called, brandishing Shroomish with dramatic emphasis. "How's THAT?"
Kartana simply flew down behind him, arriving a second or two later with no visible effort.
"You're just no fun, you know that?" Buzzster asked, and he hurled Shroomish at his assailant.
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 4:33:50 GMT 9
Shroomish was no liberal. He was up here with Zac in the hay pile, and the two came face to face in a moment of shared shock. Buzzster was the first to recover. "Sorry to muscle in on your sunning spot, Mr. Perlman."
Shroomish frowned.
"Now I don't wanna impose, and by the way I loved you in Hellboy, but I need a bit of help. Waddaya say?"
Shroomish frowned.
"Okay, I get it, but trust me what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and take a gander at the bloody goose that's trying to cook me," Zac said, as he reached out to grip the Shroomish with one hand.
Zac shrugged off the hay like a bear shedding a coat of snow, and he pointed the handheld Shroomish down at their shared attacker. "See that guy?"
Shroomish wriggled in Zac's grip.
"Me too buddy, but we're bound by blood at this point. Get 'em Hellboy!" Buzzster yelled, and he squeezed Shroomish with both hands, sending out a spray of poison spores.
The poison attack had no visible effect on Kartana, who was a steel type and thus completely immune.
"Oh yeah? Well try this?" Zac said, as he adjusted his grip and squeezed Shroomish again, this time firing a stun spore.
This time Kartana's grass typing protected it, and the spores were gently shed from its body like water off a well-oiled duck.
"Or this!"
Leech Seed tangled Kartana, only to be instantly shed, since grass types are immune to Leech Seed.
"Wait a sec," Buzzster said, stowing Shroomish under one arm so that he could use both hands to tap at his UI menu. He navigated slowly into settings and turned 'Battle Mode' off 'Realistic' , past 'Standard', and all the way up to 'Cinematic'. "There we go, that should make things much easier."
As Zac exited the menu Kartana was waiting in melee range. Buzzster leaped backwards with fright, avoiding the incoming attack like a grasshopper jumping away from an oncoming lawnmower. "Bloody sneaking up on me!" he shouted. "Shame on you!"
With the UI changes, Buzzster's previous attacks started to take effect. Kartana was slowed to a crawl as paralyzing spores and draining seedlings took root. Sickly purple poison numbers started to tick up as the toxins wore away at Kartana's health.
Zac grinned as the tides of battle shifted in his favor, revealing the dry bay of success before that's always visible right before the tsunami of profit. "Ready Hellboy? It's time to send this guy back to Staples."
Shroomish frowned.
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 4:33:00 GMT 9
"Now I know it's been a long time since you and I talked," Zac said. He knelt at the base of the Noonlight Shrine, the burning branches crackling above him. "And I don't visit as often as I should. Not by half."
Moltres rested in the boughs above, her rainbow flames shifting ceremoniously.
"But if anyone could help me in this coming battle it's you. Nobody has power like you. These days you're one of the last few great ones who stick it to their enemies and tell it like it is. You're pure fire! Not to mention bloody gorgeous."
The tree shuddered.
"So if you could find it in your heart to perhaps bestow me with some sort of burning battle aura then I swear to scream your name to the heavens with each enemy I fell in pursuit of even a sliver of your glory, Charlie Sheen. Amen."
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 3:56:39 GMT 9
The Autumn air in the hayloft was filled with a sense of deep calm. A beam of beckoning sunlight warmed a luxurious patch of hay, above which floated lone motes of dust. Each speck drifted in serene isolation, like angels caught in the gaze of God.
The peace was slightly marred by Zac's screaming.
"GRAND JURY!" he shouted, kicking out at the assaulting blade-beast and forcing himself up the last few rungs through sheer will and driving pain. He was repeating himself now, as if say the 5th amendment three times could banish the Ultra Beast like some sort of constitutional Bloody Mary.
"Except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia!" he said triumphantly as he reached the top. With a laugh and far too little foresight, Buzzster started hurling farm equipment down at the Ultra Beast. He shoved or threw pitchforks, a wheelbarrow, half-used paint cans, bags of rusty nails, lengths of chain, and a whole hay bale down at the creature in an attempt to slow its assault.
Kartana parried, de-wheeled, avoided, sliced open, unlinked, and bisected them in turn, letting the resulting debris crash to the floor in a tetanus-tastic mess for those present that had feet (Zac and Petal).
Petal was still looking for an opening to start a conga, but with the floor covered in sharp metal and paint, and Zac hiding up in the loft, her chances were becoming few and far between. Tears started to well in her eyes but she pushed through and went to find a broom.
The metal creature floated up towards Zac, its movement full of malice.
"You bastard! Stay down there and fight me like a liberal!" Zac yelled, before hiding in the warm hay pile.
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
|
Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 3:31:31 GMT 9
Zac ducked, dodged, and fought dirty as the Kartana chased him around the abandoned barn. He thew hay in its no-eyes, hid behind chest-high walls, invoked the 5th amendment, and screamed at Petal to call someone called 'Donny Big' who worked at Blockbuster.
"JUST GET HIM ON THE LINE!" Zac screamed, as Kartana mowed through a length of wood like a guinea pig through a celery stalk. "HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO!"
"What's a line?!" Petal asked frantically, her voice full of high-pitched worry and a desperate want to save the life of her best and only friend.
She looked around for a line. A fishing line? No dice, they were in a barn and there wasn't so much as a wet well nearby. A punch line? No, that usually came at the end of the conversation and not usually in her internal narration. How about a conga line? With only her, Buzzster, and Kartana here and no Donny in sight it was a long shot. But she would do anything to help him.
As Petal tried to drum up support for a conga line, the battle between Zac and Kartana became increasingly one-sided. In the same way that the Earth is one-sided. In the same way that the fight between Gorge Foreman and Cyber Muhammed Ali was one-sided. In the same way that a game of rock-paper is one-sided.
One of them fought with sleight of hand and no discernible morals, and other fought with a friction-less body made of tessellating steel blades.
"Nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law;" Buzzster recited, as he threw himself into a horse trough to escape the whirl of furious slashes. The trough was empty, and he slid a few meters before the bottom gave out and he dropped through onto the dirty hay floor. He army crawled under the trough before rolling to freedom and sprinting for the nearest ladder up to the hay loft. "Nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation!"
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 3:04:45 GMT 9
"Do you think we should be...training?" Petal asked, cringing as she voiced her extremely mild suggestion.
"Huh?" Zac asked, mouth full of wet hay.
"It's just...there's a World Event coming up."
"How do you know that?" Zac asked, spitting out the hay and sniffing one of the wooden barn posts.
"I read the news sometimes," Petal said, face crumpling at the unintended brag. "But I'm sure you do too!"
"Nope. All the news I need is right up here," Buzzster said, tapping the spot on his skull there his hair hid the scar from a sailboat accident. Buzzster kicked a bucket to test its integrity. It shattered into a thousand pieces of dull and brittle plastic. He frowned. "So this 'World Event'," he continued, "is that like some sort of," he vacillated, mind whirring like a supercharged washing machine, "a...Poke-lympics?" he ventured.
"I think it's more like a raid! A big battle against a powerful enemy."
"Hah! Yeah that sounds like the Olympics all right."
Petal had never watched the Olympics, and she had a strong, sour feeling that Zac had never watched them either. "Oh. Well that's good then," she said nervously. "So you know what to do?"
Zac looked over at her smugly. "Let's just say, when it comes to the Poke-lympics, I've got a ringer or two up my sleeve." He waggled his eyebrows and sent out Kartana, which instantly attacked him.
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 9, 2024 2:29:41 GMT 9
"Hey I'm no bloody centrist, but I think it's important for people to be able to do what they want, when they want, and with little to no consequences!" Buzzster said, tossing another roll of stolen copper wire into his wheelbarrow. The bowl of the wheelbarrow was overflowing now, piled high with tightly-wound rings of conductive metals, antique car parts, and a large number of sprinkler heads with varying gauges.
"I don't know," Petal said weepily. "That sounds nice, I think, but wouldn't people do the wrong thing sometimes. Like..." she nervously eyes the barrow full of clearly stolen goods. "...taking too may napkins from a restaurant?"
Zac wiped his brow with the back of his sleeve, smearing away a layer of collected grime. "Hey. We're all human, aren't we?" Buzzster said to the Chikorita. "Or close enough, anyway. And part of being human, or Pokemon, or whatever bald plant thing spawned you, means that we all make mistakes, right?"
"I guess," Petal reluctantly agreed, from her spot on Zac's shoulder.
"Well you guess right!" He laughed goodheartedly and started wheeling the barrow down the garden path.
"So is this...is this one of those times?" Petal asked nervously, as they passed row after row of NPC housing. "Where we're making a mistake?"
"Huh?" Buzzster asked, genuinely confused by the question. "What do you mean?"
"You're steal- borrowing all that cabling from the people who live here! What if they need it back?"
"Now Petal," Buzzster said in his most uncley voice. "I'm not borrowing anything. I'm deliberately taking useful items with the intent to sell them back at an inflated cost! And depending on the jurisdiction that's either ransom or extortion."
"What!? I can't go to jail for ransom!""
"Don't be silly Petal. Judges can't agree on shit these days, but even some straight-laced tight-wig down at the district courthouse wouldn't send you to jail for ransom! That'd be absurd!" Buzzster laughed as the barrow trundled up the path and out through the gates of the country club.
Petal relaxed a little.
"Unless you're driving the barrow you're just an accessory to ransom. OR EXTORTION!" Buzzster corrected, a little too strongly. "And really, if it were me in charge this sort of thing wouldn't be a crime at all!"
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Sept 1, 2024 11:32:11 GMT 9
"Ta-da!" Buzzster said, stepping back from his absolutely gorgeous monstrosity. "It's a beef wellington with a shredded salad and a side of mashed and seasoned potatoes! Enjoy!"
Zac pulled his dish back from the judging table and set it back on the workbench. Petal ran away with the shredded salad. Buzzster wiped a thick tea towel around the pristine outside of the serving plate, leaving a thick smear of sauce along one side.
"The trick with time travel," he said, as he scooped the potatoes back into their mixing bowl, "is to not think about it too much." He put the clean spoon back on the table and un-cracked some salt and pepper over the mixing bowl. Grains of salt and shattered peppercorns flew up out of the mixture to reform in their respective dispensers. He scooped butter out the bowl and into its tub, laying it back in perfect golden strips. "Because as soon as you start thinking about it is doesn't make any sense." He tested the unseasoned mashed potatoes. "Needs salt and pepper. And some more butter." He mixed the bowl until the butter was separated and removed the rest of it. He put the full tub of butter away.
With a masher in hand he pulled at the potatoes, mashing them until they were whole. Cooked but their skin unbroken. "Beautiful! Straight outta the pot and into the masher." He threw them back in the pot and left Petal to watch them firm up.
"All we need is a little salty and savory side dish," Zac said, as he threw the main dish back in the oven. The timer dinged and he set it to 'instant cook'. He pulled out the raw meat and pastry dish and set about dismantling it. "People don't think about it, but a lot of what we use in our day-to-day life comes straight from plants!" he lied, unwrapping the beef. The pastry covering was oddly thick and stretchy, and as he pulled it away piece-by-piece the chunks that came away were in familiar, elbow-shaped sections.
Once he had a tray full of the elbows he put on a pair of oven mitts and slid the tray back in the household cloning machine. Then he took off the gloves and ran his hands under cold water for a few minutes until they were hot and red. He approached the cloning machine and doubled over in pain. "Oh f*** me, my f****** hands!" he swore, as steam rose from his burning hands. "Stupid f***** machine, I shoulda gone with the Husqvarna!"
He stood up and grasped the burning hot tray with his hands, removing any trace of damage.
Then he set the machine to to duplicate, and listened for the pop-pop of the extra elbows disappearing. Once the popping stopped he opened the machine and pulled out a large tray with a single, wet piece of cloth on it.
"Now this is a little trick I learned from watching The Twilight Zone," Buzzster said, as he dropped the cloth into a bowl of dark liquid. He swirled it around and then sucked out all the seeds with a bottle of wholegrain mustard. "Don't worry about the seeds, you can eat them," he said, as he unclenched a lemon over the mixture. A spray of bitter liquid shot back into the fruit. "The lemons is a natural acid, it breaks down the fibers and makes it tenderer," he said, tossing the lemon back to Petal. She put it away and got back to work on the salad.
Petal held a big knife wrapped in her head leaf and was carefully cutting another elbow-shaped piece of cloth back into one piece. She worked the knife through the mass of slivers, each chop sealing two pieces back together until only a single piece of cloth remained. She tossed it back to Zac, who slipped the sock on. "Salad time!" Zac said happily. "And get me a lemon, would ya?"
He swirled a single piece of pre-cloned cloth in the dark and pungent marinade. He tasted the liquid and pulled a face. He clicked his tongue against his teeth. "Needs an acid." Then he sucking liquid into bottles and scooped out spoonfuls of dry ingredients until all the soy, brown sugar, Worcestershire, crushed garlic, olive oil, and songs by the Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton were back in their bottles, jars, tins, and packets.
What was left was a single sock sitting all alone in a dry bowl.
Zac wrinkled his nose and dabbed tears into his eyes. "God that's strong. And wet! How did it get wet?" He put the sock back on his foot and slipped into a pair of chef's Crocs. Before putting down his whip.
"That'll teach ya to mess with a magician!" Zac said, as he put a knife on the ground and opened the freezer segment of his two-door refrigerator. A furious wind whipped up, and his kitchenette was filled with furious hissing, the roar of a portable vacuum cleaner, and the soft clunk of ice rattling back up into the dispenser.
"Damn spirit! Go blow someone else!" he yelled, pulling the vacuum out of the bottom freezer tray and closing the fridge. He pointed the contraption at a spot in the air and the form of a massive, six-armed genie flew from the end. The creature boomed at him in an unknown language, demanding sacrifices or something. Knives and whisks flew up from the ground and into its arms.
Zac put away the vacuum and set the whip back on its hook beside the ladle.
"Is this about those unpaid fines? If you think I'm doing to negotiate with some bloody spirit you've got another thing coming!" Buzzster said, pointing at the spirit. It boomed at him, its voice pulling at his clothes.
The spirit loomed over the kitchen, imposing and powerful. A boom of thunder shook the metal surfaces, and a flash of lightning lit the arena. And then it was gone.
Zac sprinted across the kitchen arena and over to the golden prize plates. "The Golden Tongue!" Zac said confidently. "That'll go well with my silver one," he joked, winking rakishly at one of the spirits beside the wheel. He was pretty sure she was female.
"And gimme three sabotages. One for the rapping burger guy," he said, pointing at orioncayge. "Another for Ruby," he looked up at the scoreboard and saw that she was leading the pack by a considerable margin. "And the first one for Bergamot Gristleborg! This is payback for stealing my bloody sunions!"
With points to burn, he slapped two stones confidently, and a Tornado and Hourglass pattern scampered back down his arms and back onto their containment stones. "Time right? And this one is for windsurfing or something? Fifteen points baby!"
Time was of the essence. He sprinted back to the theme wheel, almost slipping in a puddle of blood and starlight.
The wheel stopped, and Zac nodded in solemn acceptance. "Wet socks, ay? I can make that work." +15 from Wind Spirit and Backwards Post -40 from 3x Sabotage (Orion, Ruby, and Morgana) and Golden Tongue Theme was Wet Socks
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Buzzster Hooperham
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The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Aug 26, 2024 13:20:59 GMT 9
STEEL CHEF: ROUND 3 THEME [steelchef]E0HoQZiq1-201-20
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Aug 15, 2024 11:58:09 GMT 9
"A dragon ay?" Buzzster said, looking over at the constellation seated at a table. "What does a dragon eat?" He frowned, trying to remember his aunt's go-to dinner order. "No way. I can't just serve six dry martinis and a pack of smokes to a piece of the night sky! I've got to jazz it up a bit."
"Sorry Petal, but I've got a vision for this one and my aunt hated vegetables."
"That's okay! I had a lot of fun helping!" Petal said, her leaf still greasy from Round One. She disappeared back into her Pokeball as Zac got to work.
In her place appeared Gimmighoul. The little grey creature held up a clearly counterfeit coin that had Zac's face on it. "Not now, Chase, we'll get back to the heist planning later. For now we're cooking!" He put a tiny chef's hat on the Pokemon and they set to work.
"The secret is LAYERS," Buzzster said, as he raided the pantry like a man with a sixty-second shopping spree. He gathered necessary ingredients in his broad arms, laying them out on the counter and splitting them into groups.
"First we get the cake going. You can be in charge of that," he said, shifting all the dry and wet ingredients to Gimmighoul's side of the table, along with a bottle of gin, a sealed jar of olives and a whole lemon. Gimmighoul struggled to lift a wooden spoon, but managed to knock over the bag of flour into a big metal mixing bowl.
"Next comes the jam! Now a lot of people love strawberry, but the real winner here is raspberry. Do you remember that time when those Greenpeace idioits threw raspberry on Reese Witherspoon?" Zac asked, as he mixed jam, gin, and a whole sheet of fake gold in a bowl. He'd heard the other contestants talking about life experiences and hopes that linking his cooking to stories about stars would get him bonus points. At the very least it would make for distracting banter. "It bloody ruined her Louis Vuitton snap-back and everything!"
Next was the custard. Like coffee, Buzzster preferred his custard to be single-origin, so he went back to the egg draw and picked out a half dozen platypus eggs. Then he grabbed a jar of platypus milk, and a bag of white, processed platypus sugar. "Elvis used to make a sandwich a lot like this," Buzzster lied, "just loaded with custard and jam and provolone ham and like three-dozen jolly ranchers. And do you know what he used for bread?" he asked Gimmighoul, who was hard at work on the cake, "he used two full Papa John's Hawaiian pizzas. One on each side."
Gimmighoul managed to mix all the ingredients together, and Zac popped the cake into the oven.
"Last part, the marzipan." Buzzster, like 99% of humans, didn't know what marzipan was made of. He approximated with pink food coloring, more platypus sugar, bathroom caulk, four egg yolks, a sprinkle of raw flour, and a sheet of store-bought marzipan.
"Do you think it needs cinnamon?" he asked Gimmighoul. "Or, like, maybe nutmeg? What spices do constellation like..." he perused the rack like he was watching beach volleyball. "Ah! Hahaha!" he grabbed a bottle of star anise and dropped some of the whole pods in his mix.
The cake timer dinged and Zac went to work assembling his concoction. It was huge. Several stories tall and styled like a medieval tower. It had layer upon layer of gin-soaked cake, mortared together with construction jam and quick-set custard, and wrapped lovingly in bright pink marzipan. The end result looked like something out of his niece's bedroom, had she ever played princesses or had a 'pink' phase.
"Behold!" he said, presenting the towering cake to the judges. "Our drunken princess cake!" He leaned forward and lit a match, holding it up to the cake so that the gin inside ignited in a whoosh! The flaming tower looked magnificent, and deeply dangerous.
The flaming cake shook slightly, and Gimmighoul burst out from inside, holding out another coin. Buzzster smothered his surprise and recovered quickly. "And it comes complete with rich princess! What more could a dragon want?"
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Buzzster Hooperham
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The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Aug 4, 2024 14:40:09 GMT 9
Zac didn't know Chanda Mama, but he DID know cooking. He could flambe a grape blindfolded, and knew how to cook 3 minutes noodles in under 60 seconds.
"The secret is HEAT," he said as he set up a little stool for his Chikorita. "So you just need to shoot a little flame."
Chikorita shuffled nervously on her stool. "Uhh, sorry but I don't have a flame." She winced.
"Huh? But didn't you melt all that metal in the junkyard?"
"That was with reflected sunlight!"
Zac chuckled. "Clever...use the sun's own bloody power against it!" He pulled out a stick of Tauros butter and started to grease Chikorita's leaf. "Can you do it again?"
"Haha! That tickles!" she giggled. "There's too many people around. It's dangerous! There are powerful sun moves that I get when I'm stronger."
"Oh is that right?" Buzzster said, looking unbearably smug. With a dramatic swish of his wrist he opened up his UI (on purpose). "Codeman! 'Level Up' my Grass powers!" Buzzster said.
"Player Tome: Grass has been purchased. 200 BYTES have been debited from your wallet. Player Buzzster Hooperham now has access to Grass moves," said the automated assistant.
"What! Not for me ya stupid code! For Petal! Upgrade my Grass powers! First class!"
"First tier of Gardener has been purchased."
"Not the bloody first tier! I want the max! The best! Power her up the whole way! I want Petal to shoot bloody sunlight out of her buttcrack!"
"I don't want that!" Petal complained.
"Okay well stop short of that then. But everything else!"
The automated assistant thought for a while, trying to pick out keywords from Zac's verbal slurry. "Gardener upgraded to tier 5. Tank moves upgraded to tier 5. Sweeper moves upgraded to tier 5. Support moves upgraded to tier 5. 2750 BYTES have been debited from your wallet."
Petal's leaf started to glow.
"The butter's working!" Buzzster shouted.
"No! It's my powers! I can use sunlight now!" Petal was on the verge of joyous tears. "I can use Solar Beam!"
"No need for a beam, just keep it in ya leaf," Buzzster said, as he opened the egg drawer. Inside were a thousand different kinds of eggs. They were organized by size, starting at little clusters of insect eggs and vials of frog-like foam down at one end and steadily increasing until the eggs were bigger than Zac's head.
He selected a red, green, and yellow Reggae and cracked it onto Chikorita's leaf. The yolk pulsed and bumped with Jamaican music, and Zac kept in on the leaf with some quick spatula work. The multicolored yolk set in barely a minute, and Zac slid it off onto a plate. "It's all in the presentation," he said, slipping a couple of hundred dollars into a napkin and folding it under the plate discreetly. He sprinkled some chopped green sunions over the dish for a pop of color, and was almost finished with his sunscreen mayonnaise when he realized his mistake.
"What am I doing?" he asked himself, tipping the abomination into the trash. "The sun doesn't want sunscreen! It wants, uh," he searched through the draw of ointments. "Aha! There we go." He whipped up a ketchup and tanning oil sauce and drizzled it across the egg.
He stepped back to admire his creation. "Now that's a damn good looking egg."
Chikorita leaf fried Reggae (sunny side up) with tanning ketchup sauce.
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Buzzster Hooperham
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The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Jul 25, 2024 17:45:28 GMT 9
By the time Zac's sight had adjusted to the glare of sunlight on concrete and metal, the Pokemon were gone. He looked around at the rooftop from his new, shortened, perspective.
"Those origami assholes better bring back Suckle and Petal!" he growled, his voice sounding like a baby who smoked three packs a day.
"I'm here! I'm safe!" called Petal, who has been at his side the whole time.
"Oh! Well that's not too bad! It's just the other one then."
Petal frowned with bad news. "No. They also took Surskit-"
"The drink?!" exclaimed Zac.
"Yes. And they got Varoom too!" Petal's face crumpled in loss.
"Is that the engine looking guy?"
Petal nodded.
"Those bastards!"
In the corner of Zac's UI, a quest notification appeared.
Quest complete!
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Buzzster Hooperham
•
The Quizmaster
Player Character
Posts: 132
Trainer Class:
Player Name: Buzzster Hooperham
OOC Username: D-Bug
Arena Points: 70
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Post by Buzzster Hooperham on Jul 25, 2024 11:20:17 GMT 9
"Oh it's real alright, what do you think they make 5G towers out of?" Zac replied, his eyes streaming with painful tears. "You're a smart kid, so I know you don't believe that hokum about the towers all being faked on some set in Bollywood." He wiped at his face with a dirty shirt sleeve, trying to focus on the blurred figures of the kidnapping Kartana.
"They've got my bloody Pokemon!" Buzzster yelled, pointing a pudgy finger at a paper bag caught in an urban updraft. "Gimme back Suckle!" Zac grabbed his Golden Pokeball and hurled it with toddler might into an empty patch of sky. By sheer coincidence it collided with a wounded Kartana, which was instantly caught and deposited in his box.
Meanwhile, his Shuckle, Varoom, and refreshing Surskit were carried out of sight.
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